October 20, 2024

I've had to relearn a couple of things this past month. 

The first, being that no matter what, family always comes first. God gifted me with four amazing kids. He packaged them up with their cute little chubby cheeks and blonde baby curls all those years ago because he decided that Josh and I were the ones he wanted to be their parents. At this time, in this world, God blessed us with our first ministry. There wasn't really a proclamation, nor did little cherubs announce their arrival. No, they were born like every other child on this earth who is born, to us. I'm their mom. Josh is their dad and whatever they need, whenever they need it, we are there. Come hell or high water. Nothing will stand in the way of me being their best mom. 

There have been times in my life, when I've gotten bored with the assignment or my insecurities have led me down these thoughts of how maybe I could be doing more, and maybe I need more to show for it. Motherhood gets mundane. It can get lonely too and we wonder if we are enough. The world tells us we can have it all. It tells us that we need more to be satisfied. More money, more friends, more power and sometimes the world out shouts the word in our hearts. 

I had to relearn that God gave me these children with all their intricacies and needs. I was one half of the equation that was chosen for this task and I am enough. Being mama is enough. I don't need anything else. 

The second thing I've had to relearn is that I am not alone. It's so easy to get caught up in this notion that the things that happen to us are ours alone to carry. This is only true if you let it be true. I have found that opening my mouth and letting the light into my darkest parts, has allowed others with similar journeys to find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. We can come along side one another and bear the burden together. There's no sense in struggling through. Life is hard enough with its many ups and downs. Why suffer, when you can lighten the load a little bit? 

Just the other day, I was at home school co-op and I did something that was totally not within my character. Anyone will tell you that I am not a hugger, I'm more of a prickly pear. That day though, I tried something different. 

There's just something about letting someone know you care about them and holding them in your arms for just a minute. I read that children need eight hugs a day to feel reassured and loved. That seems like a lot when you multiply it by four and based on that article, I should be hugging at least three kids an hour to give them the bare minimum of what they actually need. I think I hugged about six women. (It wasn't creepy, I asked first) 😘

I learned something new too. I don't think we are as divided as the media and our politicians love to tell us. I think on some very basic level, we are more alike than ever. I don't feel animosity towards people that think differently than I do on certain political topics, but I don't think it matters as much as the world tells us either. For me, whether Harris or Trump win, it may change things to some degree but it won't change who sits on the throne. It won't change me. It won't change how I live out my life, loving people. I'll keep being who I am and I'll keep encouraging others, no matter who they voted for in that one particular election that in a few decades, won't matter in the scheme of things. 

Thirdly, I'm allowed to enjoy my life. I'm allowed to have fun. Yes, decisions were made and my life looks a little different than it did a month ago. I'm not serving on the lead team at our home school co-op but it doesn't mean I'm not still serving. I think I've talked to more people in the last two weeks than I have the entire time I was serving, except for the mass assemblies of announcements, of course. I am more able to focus on my teaching and I've been having a ball in gym class, where before I was thinking about every other little thing that needed to be done, or said, or taken care of by the lead team. I've found joy in letting go and I honestly think I can better serve co-op while not being on the lead team. 

I started running again, something I never thought I would ever do because it sadly reminded me of my dad. He was the runner. He was the one who got us all involved in it. There were annual trips to Charleston and Springmaid Mountain because of running and today, I have all this stuff and I don't always know where to put it. Obviously, writing helps free my mind but I needed something that would expel all of this nervous energy from my joints too. I didn't think much about it. I just quickly put one foot in front of the other over and over again and I've not felt this good in a LONG time. 

I've laughed in the last two weeks too. I've felt joy. There's been tears and sadness too but all of it has just reminded me of how beautiful life can be. I'm sitting on my back porch now and I just love it here. I love my life. It's peaceful sometimes, even amid the chaos, and I can't explain that. 

I'm allowed to do what brings me joy. I think it's probably more of a requirement, that we enjoy ourselves. We are only here for a blip and then it's over. Why not have a little fun? 

The fourth thing I've had to relearn is to have grace. Some people just don't get what OCD is and that's okay, because that is why I'm writing this. A family member responded to Cay during one of his more difficult moments, in a way that had me shaking my head. They mistakenly thought we were having a discipline problem, when in reality, we called them to see if tapping out would result in better results. I just needed someone else to talk to him, but I can't expect people to know how to handle OCD, if they have never encountered it before. 

I also found myself absolutely losing it when I was asked to do something at co-op the very week after I said, "I'm not the one, guys." The hard boundaries were set and there's nothing wrong with that. The problem, however, was, I let it stew for an entire two days afterwards, forgetting that not everyone is thinking about me and my problems. They got their own too and how I respond reflects back on me. 

I've won some moments and lost others, and if feeling like a screw-up was a sport, I'd be winning some days, but I'm allowed grace too. I don't always get it right. Sometimes I have no idea what the heck I'm doing and I want to quit, but it's of no use beating myself up about it. I just got to keep going and remember that lessons are being learned along the way. Nobody has it all together, that's a myth portrayed on social media for the masses. 

Nope, what you see is what you get. I'm just trying to figure it out like everybody else and with every passing day, things are getting better. Just this week, Cay got an assessment back, and his compulsions are down over 50%. That's more than half in under six weeks with therapy! I never thought we'd be where we are now four months ago. Does he still do everything he did before? No. He missed his best friend's birthday party last Saturday because the compulsions won out. 

Which brings me to the fifth and final thing I've had to relearn. It's going to be okay even when it doesn't feel like it.  It's the ups and downs that make it so difficult because in the process, it doesn't feel like we are turning the corner, but this is something that just is. It's our new reality. It isn't going away.  I could go crazy praying every night for God to take OCD away from my child or I could learn to live with it. It isn't something that is going away for good. It's just a part of our lives now and we are managing it, not by some magic or anything, but with hard work and determination. We decided when this started, that whatever it took, we would do whatever was necessary and we have. His psychiatrist said we were the poster children for how to do this. We've done what they've told us. We've studied up in all things OCD and we are knocking it out of the park. 

In the end, what we do with our time here on earth matters. Who we are, who we were created to be, how we cherish and fight for those we love. How we go about the twists and turns and how we include our communities. How we do this life, our lives, is solely up to us. Let's make the most of it. 

.