August 26, 2024 

"I'm on the battlefield for my Lord. Yes, I'm on the battlefield for my Lord. And I promised Him that I, would serve Him til I die. Oh, I'm on the battlefield for my Lord."

I've had that song on repeat in my mind for a few weeks now. Things have been coming from all directions lately. Sickness, attacks, and anxiety on the daily. It's been difficult to the tenth degree. 

Every day, as we get closer and closer to our "starting point," an appointment with a psychiatrist who is the top specialist in his field, who's gonna know what to do and how to fix the problem, the situation gets worse and worse. This 'illness' causes my child to say some of the worst things, things that you just don't say and that no one prepares you for in the mommy and me classes I frequented when my kids were toddlers. His frustration with his own issue, fuels a violence that we were also not prepared for and what's worse, he can't help it. It's this thing that takes over and we are all powerless against it. We are forced to ride it out and hope for the best and to put it simply, it's quite terrifying. 

I've been praying for peace and what I thought that prayer meant, was peace for the problem. I thought I was praying for the problem to cease its existence. I was praying that things would go back to normal, while  in my spiritual walk, I've been feeling the Lord lead differently, telling us to go forward into new uncharted territory. 

I've had friends calling and texting me the "countdown" to the appointment every day. I've had friends showing up to my house with encouragement and goody bags. I've had friends calling me because they felt the Lord saying, pray right now and they did and it ran simultaneously with terrible and frightening moments when my only thought was, "Lord, why?" 

I don't know how that happens, but I don't need to know. It's been my constant, on my end, as we navigate these troubled waters. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know how to do what I'm doing. All I know is to keep going. To keep walking, sometimes, holding on for dear life until we get over the next hill. 

Prayers have been prayed, stories have been shared, and tears have been cried. Someone asked me how I can have so much patience and my all familiar answer shoots to the front. I don't know. 

My hope is that there will be an end. The last month has been extra hell-atrocious, but maybe I don't know isn't always a bad thing, it's just a new thing. 

I don't know, guys. Things don't always work out the way you want them to. My child didn't ask for this. I sure didn't either. My conversations now consist of inpatient facilities and medication dosages. Everything light and fun has been tainted by this seriousness and sadness that is inescapable. 

And I'm just this imperfect person living in an imperfect world and I've gotta find my way through it all. If my vice is cranking Limp Bizkit and scream singing the explicit version of Break Something alone in my car, maybe just maybe I'm alright. Maybe that extra f-bomb isn't so terrible if my sanity and sobriety are still intact. 

All steps forward aren't always pretty and sweet but may the grace of God pull us through because I don't know what else to do. While His grace is leading, let us lean on those who have gone before us because there is nothing new under the sun. 

When we feel powerless under the weight of life's trials, my hope is that it passes quickly and we arrive unscathed at our next appointment, ready for what comes next. Let us stay prayed up and alert and let us not lose heart in the doings of all the things that are required of us. Let us take a moment to collect ourselves and let us go forth into the unknown, knowing that not knowing is okay.