photo by Leo Hancock all rights reserved 

June 17, 2024

Calcified Optimism. A phrase coined by my husband last week, describing yours truly. 

We were having this conversation last Wednesday morning, as we were lying in bed, about to start our day. He was going to work and I was going to bible study. I proclaimed, rather stubbornly, that I was a realist, which in my mind meant I am an optimist with realist tendencies.  (Side note: it doesn't meant that at all) 

A realist is someone “who recognizes what is real or possible in a particular situation : one who accepts and deals with things as they really are," while and optimist has  “an inclination to anticipate the best possible outcome.” A pessimist is someone "who is inclined to expect poor outcomes."  (www.merriam-webster.com)

When I say I'm a realist, it's to deflect from my pessimistic views. It just sounds better. 

A calcified optimist is someone who has started out hopeful and over time, has been hardened by life's many heartaches. A calcified optimist deflects accountability and blames all her problems on others ... because Suzy was mean, I can't trust anyone else ... because I was disappointed before, I will surely be disappointed again ... better put up that wall, so no one will hurt me first. 

A calcified optimist is a glorified pessimist. 

There's a massive problem when a Christian admits to being a calcified optimist. For me, I knew that good prevails in the end. God won. Believing that “Christ sits on the throne,” has gotten me through many disappointments. 

I would excuse the disconnection away by saying things like, "I'm a human being. Disappointments, injustice, sadness, unmet expectations, hurt, anger, all of those things make up our human experience," justifying my pessimistic tilt. 

Last week, in my journal, I wrote that, "Optimism shouldn't be an odd feeling, rarely experienced. Life is hard and people disappoint, and it's harder to hope with each new offense. It's when we lose our balance, by not appreciating both the good and the bad, that we lose our focus."

But I would argue now, that it's when we lose our focus, we lose our way.  

A lot has happened in just 4 days. 

The glorified pessimist has left the building. She no longer resides here and the ONLY difference that occurred was prioritized prayer and worship. Y'all, that's it. 4 years of angst has been wiped clean in 4 freaking days. 

It's a God thing. There's no doubt about it. 

Wednesday morning: calcified optimist discussion, followed by emergent hot water heater leakage in the newly painted kitchen. (We're remodeling and hadn't started the new floor project yet, thank God.) I reported the damage in the family text, to which my sister replied, "But look at you seeing the positive." (At least someone had noticed)

Bible Study at 9 am. I was wrestling with something and the levee broke, very publicly, with lots of tears and ugly crying. (snot was involved and "cr-aughing," a combination of laughing and crying. If you've experienced hormones, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) 

Discussion followed from three incredible women who gave advice on how to keep Jesus in focus throughout the week. One suggested worship music. One suggested prioritized prayer and another reminded me who I am and how far I've come. The topic of this avalanche of emotion: the impossible relationship with my in-laws that I wrote about back in April. 

A phone call with my mom. Another battle-cry, this one a little louder than the Love and Truth post. When I arrived home, lo and behold. The in-laws were helping with the hot water heater. 

Step one. Middle-eastern Hospitality (and sudden forgetfulness of every wrong ever done) 

In bible study, we've been learning how middle-eastern culture differs from western culture and how we should view the Bible through that middle-eastern lens. Hospitality was the topic last week. There was no foot washing but I took a more humbled approach and tried harder to make them feel welcome.

Step two. Create a playlist with all the songs that Bible Study discussed that day. I walk after dinner every night so I began listening to the playlist during that time. I added a few more that meant something to me because the music ran out before the laps were done. 

Step three. Prioritize prayer. I already keep a journal, so after my usual brain dump, I began writing down 3 things I was thankful for, followed by a written prayer. My prayer was "Create in me a clean heart and rearrange my rooms, Lord." 

In Jesus and the Women by Kristi McLelland, (the bible study) she said God can rearrange rooms. Everyone who knows me, knows how much I love a good room rearranging every once in a while. It's a joke in our family but a lot of care, thought and planning goes into rearranging a room. Everything's the same but different and in some cases, better. I prayed that God would rearrange the rooms in my life. My marriage, my home, my relationships, my outlook. 

"Create in me a clean heart," is from Psalm 51. It's my favorite verse. I like it so much, that I wrote it in black permanent marker above my shower, so that I would see it every time I went to pray. (Prayer time, shower time, {alone time} tomato, tomahto😉) 

I read it last week for what seemed like the first time and it sparked this whole inner crisis. There's that part about "let the bones that you have broken, rejoice," and I thought about how when bones break, they heal but it's different after. The pain lingers. The affected body part doesn't do what it used to the same way. It does it a new way, but it takes conditioning. It takes practice. It takes being in the right position. It made me realize that my brokenness, the brokenness of my relationships, all the broken things in my life, are merely opportunities for optimism. 

It's all about God's timing too. I wouldn't have made that connection, had I not broken my arm recently. The break has changed the way I do things. I'm more careful, even though my awesome orthopedist has assured me I can do all the things I did before, just with a few modifications. Have I done a plank in the push-up position? No. Do I trust my arm to hold all (ahem, a significant number of pounds) of me? Not yet, but yet signifies hope, that it can be done again. 

And that's optimism. 

One last thing, my family and I went to Landmark yesterday morning. On Father's day, the second, I've had without my dad. Pessimist Jess would have made up an excuse about not wanting to share that day with those people. But it wasn't like that. It was sweet. Sweeter than honey, I'd say. 

The sermon was on Gideon. And fear. And trust. And how it took 40 years to get to the promise land because of their excuses and fear. It took 4 days for God to rearrange the room of my relationship with Landmark and my in-laws. 

4 DAYS, y'all. I can't even with that. It's almost funny. It's incredible. I never thought I'd be walking through those doors again. I never thought I'd sit at that piano and I did. And when I began to play the instrument that I haven't touched in 4 long years, it all came back. A hush fell over the room when I began to play. Tears began to fall. I never imagined I would be in a position to receive restoration of that magnitude. And when I called my mother-in-law to tell her we'd be coming back next Sunday, she was speechless. She asked if I was serious and I am. If you know the situation, you know how big this is. You know what this means and you know how real this is. 

So, this once calcified optimist/glorified pessimist is telling you this morning, to pray for God to rearrange those rooms and believe that He will, in His timing. Get yourselves a bible study group that encourages and challenges. And listen to what God is speaking into your life. Keep your focus on Jesus and you will not lose your way.

For my feminist friends, check out Jesus and the Women by Kristi McLelland. It has improved my relationship with Jesus tremendously. It's the bible study we've been doing and it talks about Jesus's relationship with us, specifically. 

Now, excuse me as I enjoy this cup of coffee with my new rose-tinted glasses on. The future is bright. 🌞