September 2, 2024

He smiled today. 

It was one of those natural smiles, the kind that is so effortless, that has no pain underneath. He has one blue eye and one green and long lashes like his daddy.His skin is golden brown from spending so much of this past summer poolside. His smile is warm and inviting like the sun. 

I felt immediate relief. I never thought I’d see it again before today. My son’s recent diagnosis sent shock waves through our family unit. This silent killer crept in and took hold of his mind and it seemed near impossible that he would ever find relief.

But at this moment, there’s singing and laughter in the next room. We’ve been living under an umbrella of impending doom and today is different. Therapies are booked. Meds have started. The unacceptance of the journey we felt was unjustly thrust upon us, has evolved into renewed strength.  

We are in this together. A family unit dedicated to seeing this through. There have been other firsts this week. Conversations I never thought would take place. Encouragement from the most unlikeliest of places. Faith no bigger than a mustard seed and yet, knowledge that everything was going to work out, somehow, someway, in its proper time. 

When terrible things happen, the first thing I think to myself is Why me and Why now, but it was never going to be a “good time” for this situation my family now finds itself in. No one wants the hard things to happen. We don’t want our loved one to slowly succumb to chronic illness. We don’t want cancer to consume our vibrant friends. We don’t wish for divorces and deaths and childhood illnesses. 

Life does her thing and we can either roll with the punches or demand a refund, the latter not ever being attainable. Life is hard. It just is. OCD steals the present, the here and now, because the person is left worrying about what's next, worrying about what hasn't even happened yet. As the parent and superhero on the front line, I've got to hold firm to what actually IS and remain vigilant.  

I have this belief that God knows the ending and sees the whole picture. He’s lining it up with the right people, the experts, the doctors with passions for their chosen fields, the availability of the finances, current friendships to encourage, camaraderie with those that have experienced the same challenges, the fortitude to complete the task and time to devote to whatever mountain is standing in the way. I'm thankful for ordained placements in my life. I'm thankful for His mercies that renew my soul every morning. I'm thankful for connected dots and moments of unfiltered joy.

I've got a new song of praise because he smiled today.