September 24 ,2024

Let me go ahead and apologize for what is about to come out of my mouth. There is no magic tonight. I have found a new hatred for OCD. I absolutely and with a passion despise OCD. There is nothing good about it. 

No, it isn't about lining things up in order or having things "just right." That is not this. That is how television and movies has portrayed it. And no, you don't have a "little bit of OCD." Girl, no. Stop it. 

OCD holds me hostage, like right now, I'm currently on my couch in the living room at 11 pm, not because I want to be, but because Donnie has decided that he doesn't want Caleb to go to the dentist in the morning, nor does he want him to go to therapy and that special worship service going on at some of my friend's church tomorrow night. Nope, Donnie wants to be free of any and all things that make him just a teeny bit uncomfortable. 

Goodness, I hate this. I just ... want it to be over already and there's a really good possibility that the dastardly D will be with us for quite some time. 

But let me get back to what exactly OCD is, because I want to make sure y'all understand just what it's like. The couch that I mentioned earlier? Yeah, that one. I had to put it back together because all of the cushions were taken off of it and hurled at my head earlier. My glasses were knocked from my face in the process. Did I raise a finger to my sweet guy, that's lost somewhere in that raging persona? No, I did not. 

Did I reassure him? Nope, didn't do that either and because reassuring him is considered an "accommodation," that's a huge no-no in the Exposure Response Therapy he is currently in. And his therapists kindly told us that Donnie would have an uptick in triggering behaviors when we started, so I should have expected this, but do I like my new couch becoming a life-size Jenga puzzle and torture device? No. Who does? And that's not even the worst of it, just a little sprinkling of the chaos that happens when he has one of his episodes. 

My bed was comfy too. The AC is on and it's like 60 degrees in there, but no. Am I going to make the 9 am dentist appointment? Probably not going to do that either and Donnie wins. Donnie always wins. 

I know what this sounds like but I don't know what I am supposed to do. I want my sweet boy back.  His siblings want him back. He wants himself back.

This event escalated even further and here we are a whole hour later and we are still battling it out. So, no magic tonight. I would do anything for a miracle. I've never felt more alone than I do right now. 

My hope is that this season is quick because it is the worst thing I've ever had to do and that God sees us in our turmoil and has pity on us. Lord, please.

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Update: Donnie won. I canceled the dentist appointment, messaged all this therapists and doctors and let him sleep in. Do I feel like the biggest pushover? Yes. Do I feel guilt and sadness and all of the things? Also, yes. But just because I lost this one, doesn't mean I'll lose the next one. 

And what point is there to beat myself up about it? You win some and you lose some. My own issues of constantly being productive in society as a wife, mom and woman are what's making me feel this way. No one got any sleep, everyone needs rest and why force something that is easily rescheduled? 

This is OCD. It is stupid. It doesn't make sense and it tries to rip our loved ones from us. I woke up this morning, not refreshed, but determined. I, most of all, know how healing works. It isn't linear. There's ups, there's down's and there's everything in between. Some days you feel like you can and others, you just roll back over when the alarm goes off, pulling the covers tightly under your chin. That was this morning.  

It won't be every morning.