April 21, 2024


After a cleansing rain, enveloping the flowers with a needed drink, water, life-giving water, starts a healing process, gently breaking ground and forging new paths forward. 


Water can be both gentle and intensely powerful, breaking through mountains, filling canyons with its cool calming flow. There, the evidence of past struggle is etched into the wall of the rock. Memories, still evident, of the pain and struggle, and yet, the cleansing water still flows on, forging forward, breaking through seemingly impossible barriers. 

I'm on such a journey right now, relying solely on living water that I've allowed to flow so freely in my life. 


For the past several years, I've had a relationship just like those painful memories, embedded in the sediment of the canyon, a fossilized impression buried in the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. 


We don't forget. We hold a list of wrongs that we replay over and over. Evolution says we evolve, taking what we learn in order to survive, to live longer. In the physical sense, we shed that which is no longer useful and move on with our lives. 


It's different in the spiritual sense of otherworldly love and truth. We have compassion for our fellow man, in realizing that hurting people usually hurt people. In knowing that I'm not better or deserve more than those still held captive in despair, in pain, in grief or fear, just because I've moved on and healed. In knowing that love, the kind that envelops and cleanses and is misunderstood by a dying world intent on crushing our souls, is a worthy experience for even the “worst” of us. 


God's love and his truth is how I'm choosing to go about this new assignment. 



 We've talked about it before. A loving community is important, and I'm going to intentionally surround myself with those that I love and that love me. I will be intentional about girlfriend outings, sister visits, kid snuggles, hubby dates and follow-ups with my mama mentors, because the enemy likes us isolated. He likes us in our heads, with our unanswered questions and assumptions. I'm  going to take it further, and join a small group at church or a Bible study because surrounding myself with like-mindedness will help ease the burden of going into this spiritual battle.



In therapy, there's an exercise where you put yourself in the middle, and like drawing a target, you add circles moving out from the center. Those closest to you, like a spouse, a best friend or a sister, are closest to the center. Those nearest you are the ones you trust. They love you properly. They're the safest. As you move further out in the circles, those that you don't have the greatest relationships with, fall in the outer regions. These are the relationships that need work. 


The particular relationship situation I'm dealing with, falls into the outermost realms of my relationship wheel, and it's not without merit, I assure you. The plan is to re-establish healthy boundaries that weren't set up in the beginning and to also share the love, so that no single relationship gets all of our attention and no resentment forms. For example, we prioritize fairness by having a monthly lunch date with both sets of grandparents. 



My plan is to speak up and ask questions. I will speak boldly against the lies made up by my adversary. I will not shy away from sharing my needs, desires, and expectations because I am worthy of love and at the very least, respect. 

It will be my new goal to seek understanding, not in a self deprecating way, but to allow my adversary the opportunity to accept accountability. 



Accounts that make light of the very real issues of unhealthy relationships and lack compassion for the hurting and unhealed. 


My plan boils down to love and truth. 


See, I've come too far on this journey to quit. I've done things that I never thought I'd do. 

I kicked addiction's ass and sought therapy and am honestly winning in every relationship but one. I have an awesome life with awesome people that I wouldn't have ever gotten the chance to see if I'd gone through with my sad plans on May 13, 2006. 


But God. It sounds like a cliche from any other testimony, and yet here I am today because a drunken prayer was answered on that sad & rainy night. Because God met me where I was and the next morning I ran into Josh. The very next morning after I failed to end my life, I ran into my future husband and father of my four amazing children. 


Explain that timing any other way “but God” and I'll call your bluff. 😉 This life is no accident. I've had the privilege of coming through to the other side of so many seemingly impossible storms. This time will be no different because I've got receipts of God's power and glory. Sure, it hurts to be disliked and accused but those are lies being told by people held captive by grief and fear and I know the truth. 


The way we fight is with love and truth, even if it rips us in two, because that's who we are. It's who I am. Unafraid. Chosen. Able. Loved.


Victorious. 


Truth and Love, my friends. Forever. Amen.